Day 1 over...and more detox

     Well, it is here...how my official Day 1 went.  
    
    11.26.2010

              Mood: Rollercoaster, focused, then just pissed - noticed I was better earlier in the day...

              Activity: Gym, cleaning the basement, and lugging boxes

              Food: water (tons of it), chicken, and a banana - that's it.  Probably not the healthiest but no appetite today.

              Instead of joining the crazies out for Black Friday (I've done that the past 5 years), my happy little ass was stretching out at Max-Fit with about 49 other women and looking in dread at the 2.5 minutes of burpees that would eventually head my way.  So at midnight I welcomed this challenge by getting my workout on and surrounding myself with other people in this challenge.

              Upon leaving around 1AM, in the snow, I decided to go to Kroger.  Yeah, well that wasn't happening for it was closed and didn't open until 7AM; yes, I went to Wal-Mart.  Good gravy!  What a nightmare and a mistake.  I walked in and was honestly the only person putting food in my cart, realizing my chicken would be spoiled by the time I checked out - I left.

             Burying myself in my bed once home, I finally decided I could sleep.  Within what seemed like seconds, the cutest red head ever was at my side.  "Mom, it snow!  Santa!"  LOL, I love my children.  I will give my children credit, it was perfect!  Snow on the holidays; something I have wanted for years.  Red is always up at 6:30AM, and I was ready for him...his poptarts were out.  Ha!  With that prep work done, Red went on to watch Curious George and I back to a half sleep. Once fully awake I began to make out my lists for the day...great way to start a challenge, huh?

              My list started off as a grocery list and a "things-to-do", however it ended up with me making a list of things in my life that are BS, people in my life that are BS, and important people to me in my life and why they were important.  Kinda nutty, huh?  Yeah well I've had a lot of soul searching to do over the past 2-3 weeks, and I have really stripped myself down since last Friday.  

              After spending a small fortune at Sam's (yes, I bought tons of all those natural foods on my list in bulk, for once they won't go to waste, but WTF?  Strawberries are $8!) and after a quick trip to Zappos outlet for my daughter some shoes (BTW 70% off the markdown), I decided to do some impromptu changes that I NEVER thought I would do, nor would anyone that really knows me and how the holidays are done.

Changes Today 

              Christmas tree

              Cut the BS materialistic crap

              Friends

              Getting the same results?  Well duh, no shiz, nothing has changed, switch things up – that’s change.  Cheers to change!

My children love Christmas and for years their father has always wanted a real tree; I’ve always been scared of setting the house on fire or what if someone was allergic to it?  Yeah well, time for a change.  I’ve been hesitant to try to move on and pretend that things in my life are normal, but you know what?  My children deserve for things to be as normal as possible, even though they and I know better. 

Coming home with a real tree, I felt like a part of National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.  Seeing the excitement on their sweet little faces – priceless; the needles all over the carpet – not so much.   Couldn’t find the damn lights, I lose them every year, so I just decided since nothing is going as it always has, nothing will.  With new lights on this “smelly” tree, the kids went to work opening ornaments and putting them on the tree.  For once I didn’t hover or move any of them – it is their Christmas tree, not mine, I stepped back and watched while my elves worked.  It may not be the prettiest but it was done with love, and that is all that counts.

With the whole world on a shopping high, I asked why?  Because it's expected.  Ha.  The holidays have become so materialistic.  I cleaned out the basement last weekend and found that most of the toys that I sent to Goodwill were, oh wait for it...you ready...toys that my children just had to have the year before.  WTF?  Alright, enough.  My kids never do without anything.  So why make something so over the top?  If we should go all out for our children or loved ones any time of year so extravengant, it should be their birthday.  Shower them on their day of birth, for that was when they were born and had it not been for that, then what? 

Clothing, toys, books - it goes on and on, why not do something really meaningful?  Go someplace together and make memories, instead of buying some BS possession.  That will hold far more value over their lifetime, and there is no way that can be taken to Goodwill.  This year Santa is going back to basics.  Not a bad thing at all, for I'm sure my children will still get things they want - just NOT everything.  

Now while my friends have tried to help me as best as they can this past week during this "ordeal", it hasn’t really helped much.  I have become a Debbie downer and it is truly amazing now that I look at it, what people will say and it is truly scary.  Why?  Because we fucking believe them and listen!  Dear Lord, help us all if we start listening to everyone else instead of ourselves.  Keeping me busy and occupied was perfect, anything to keep my mind from leaving focus from my children.  However having someone tell me that my relationship has basically been a sham and a waste, that we’re better off apart, that I’m too pretty for him – really just took me to the gutter and put my mind in the darkest part ever and in tears.   How can anyone who has not been in my shoes or relationship even say that?  How can others know MY heart?  Point:  If the relationship doesn’t involve you, then mind your mouth, for honestly and frankly, you don’t know one fucking thing that’s really gone on.  You see and you hear half ass truths, for when things are bad that’s the only piece that anyone ever remembers.  I really wish people were like birds...if they're of the same feather, go flock together.   Positives – what happened to those? 

This day and age, misery really loves company and it seems that the more you have at stake the more they want to bring you down and remind you of the easy path; give up.  I do not need people like this in my life.  Don’t be in my ear when you have NO idea.  You have no idea what has been invested, what is at stake, no idea of the good things, the memories, the best days, the moments shared, have no clue how to console a child who is in tears asking questions and not having any answers, or how everyone just feels broken.  And regardless what many may think, every situation is different and every person is different, so don’t make a comparison; it is NOT your life.

You know I have no freaking clue what is ahead, none.  Am I scared?  No, more like terrified, however I’m doing my best not to show it at all.  I'm just trying one day at a time, you know? I have other people to think about other than me, it’s not about me.  It’s about them.  The “elves” in my life who are my life.  Being completely submerged with them has been the biggest eye opener; the laughter, the tears, the endless games of Candyland, the questions, the hugs and kisses…priceless.  Being a mother to them is my first priority and I've seen ME in the mirror, and I'm not that old fuddy duddy.  I don’t have anything planned out and here is why: Proverbs 16:1 We may make our plans, but God has the last word.

I do know that reevaluating myself during this challenge has been a major life changer for me.  My life and those that will be involved in it directly will never be the same.  Some may be for the better, some will be out of my life, and that is fine – just a part of detox, and besides when you get down to it - are they really there for you or just their own interest?

I’ve mulled the thought of friends over for a while, and here is how I feel about that.  True friends are there for you, but they get it and know their role.  They celebrate your triumphs, sympathize with your pain, they listen without input and just want you to be better and not in pain, they will drive 4 hours to you, they call you when you're in the hospital, they make time for you even if it's a minute, they wipe your tears, they don’t badmouth your partner with their opinions, they don’t mooch off you, they don’t always let you do everything (drive, pay, etc) , they don’t ever let you drive intoxicated, they don’t ever put you in situations that would cause problems between you and your spouse, they don’t take you away from your family, they don’t have to talk to you everyday but when you do talk it’s like you never left,  they understand you have a family, they get that you can’t talk on the phone for you have a kid yelling for McDonald’s,  they remember your birthday, they remember how you became friends, they tell you if you have something in your teeth, they tell you if an outfit looks horrible, they listen to your crazy family stories and laugh, they deal with your other friends even if they don’t like them, they pray for you and mean it, they hug you and look you in the eyes and even if they are lying they will tell you everything will be fine.  That to me is a true friend. 

Not a lot of those, huh?  Yeah well, I don’t think anyone has a lot of friends, acquaintances maybe - friends to help you stay your course and to be happy, no.  Friends want to share your joy, false friends help destroy it.  Eyes wide open…more change for this detox to be done.  

Back to my basics, bring on Day 2.