False Evidence that Appears Real
With my FB detoxed, (hell yeah it’s done!) and starting my own recovery steps with myself and my selfishness as a partner, now I tackle my fears and how I feel they have benefited me. As I sit and think of my fears - here’s a shocker - some of the fears are tied to my selfishness as a partner and my past experiences. I’m seeing this connection and now really starting to wonder if this 28 Day Challenge isn’t really more like therapy for the soul, than about therapy for my body - hell either way, I am facing things head on whether I like them or not; and I can tell you it’s more of the NOT.
Never have I really stopped to take the time to realize the answers to a lot of the questions that this challenge is asking me. Probably had this been on my radar and I had educated myself on “me”, my current circumstances would be completely different. So really how well connected are we to ourselves? We all have different fears and everyone’s are different. This question reminds me of the dream when you’re stark naked in front of a crowd of 500, except this is real - well my reality, my fears.
Fear of
...change
...marriage
...rejection
...being like my parents
...the unknown
CHANGE
“The only thing constant in life is change.” That’s one of my favorite quotes, and I completely love change, however in certain realms of my life I can’t stand it, and the thought of some things changing just absolutely freaks me out. Why?
Habit. Contentment. Routine. Comfort. Change would disrupt areas in my life that I have made a habit of, routine from, find comfort in, and contentment in. It’s the old saying, “if it’s not broke, don’t fix it”. I worry about change, even the littlest things, such as getting rid of stuff. I have old clothes in the basement that need to find a new home, however I’m keeping them - what if something happens and I need them later? I cannot imagine my family changing, my home, the time I have with my children - unless we all do it together; however these changes could be my reality, then what? A new habit will have to be made, and a routine. I would be out of my comfort zone and would be far from happy or content about the situation. This challenge is making me change my food intake - uh, yeah scary as hell too. Just the thought of not eating white potatoes for 28 days trips me out. However changing my food, versus changing things with my family - are on different levels of severity and change. See the point?
Gradual changes are good, for they are not drastic and they don’t throw one for a loop. Easing into a work out schedule was positive, not drastic. The more drastic the changes and the more they involve the people around me, the more freaked out I am. I’ve moved from Tennessee to Kentucky, and yeah it was a big deal, however I moved as a transition with work. My work remained the same, my son was with me, so I was just doing the same thing in a different city - not anything major. Had the work been different, now that would be different - ugh I hate thinking of things changing.
I enjoy the routine and the comfort of knowing what my day brings, who doesn’t? When the boat is rocked - AIGH! It’s like having a houseguest and you never know what they are going to do next, you’re on edge - who needs that?
MARRIAGE
My fear of marriage has been honestly earned. There is a reason I wear black to EVERY wedding I go to and here is how a conversation normally goes with me.
YOU: “Where are you going all dressed up?”
ME: “I have a funeral to go to.”
YOU: “Aw, that’s horrible, who died?”
ME: “No one, so and so is getting married.”
Horrible, huh? Yeah well there is a reason to this. I am a child product of divorce. Granted my parents spared me much misery by calling in quits when I was 4, they continued to do their damage beyond each other. My mother has been married 3 times, and my father 3 times. Look, this will sound equally bad, but I have spent the majority of my life trying NOT to be my parents, for I fear becoming like them (that’s on the list, more later).
I was the girl who played with her Barbie and Ken, and they got married all the time and lived happily ever after. Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story, and the Prince fights the dragon, kisses Aurora, and lives happily ever after. All my grandparents were together until the death of my grandfathers (I have 3 sets of grandparents - be jealous), and I loved listening to the stories of how they met in their teens and fell in love. As I got older, I loved watching how they treated each other - knowing each other that long and seeing their comfort level.
I can hear Papaw Nolan asking after the traditional Sunday dinner “Is anything else going to happen?” Every Sunday he would ask, in hopes of some dessert that was prepared. Papaw Jonah and Mamaw Alice took me everywhere on all their adventures and shared so many things with me. He the fearless one and she the cautious, such an amazing pair. “Now Jonah...” she would start. Anytime you would walk in the Smith household, I knew my grandparents place before I ever walked through the door. Papaw Jesse would be sitting in “his chair” whiddling, and Mamaw Evelyn would either be in her rocker doing a crossword while listening to the TV, or she’d be in the kitchen. Granted they may sound boring, but the familiarity they had with each other and the peace, was astounding. My grandparents are truly a testament to what marriage should be. Now as I look back and see these traits in my grandparents, I wonder where the hell my parents lost their own way? Three? I’m not judging, for I firmly believe no one goes into marriage thinking it’s going to end in divorce, but what is the difference with the generations? Why were my grandparents 3-0, and each of my parents 0-3?
Truth. It’s work, not just work - fucking hard work. No one wants to fight and work for things anymore, we have become such a society of convenience and replacement so why bother? If your boyfriend pisses you off, get a new one. If your girlfriend cheats on you, move on. What about as to why he pissed you off or why she cheated on you? The underlying problem hasn’t been resolved, responsibility for actions haven’t been taken and here’s something we usually are in denial over - people can change, but do you give them a chance?
Now trying NOT to follow the same path as my parents, I wanted my marriage to last. I was married 1.29.2000, filed for divorce 2 years later. I was 22 years old, and I will say it wasn’t at all that I wasn’t fighting for my marriage, but some things are bigger than that...some know the reasons and they understand. Could things have been different? I seriously doubt it. I had a two-year old who was now my life and doing what was best by him, was my priority. Leaving was the hardest thing, however I am so grateful he was only 2, the older the harder it is on the child and on you for it’s more of your heart you have invested. So here I was 22, a single mom, and going through a divorce - wow, 1 down, 2 to go.
REJECTION
Who likes feeling unwanted? That’s simple - no one. Yes, even those that may have the confidence of Kanye West are still fearful of being unwanted. Why try things if you risk rejection? Why be honest with someone about your feelings if you fear they don’t feel the same? Why voice your ideas if people will shatter your dreams?
Rejection sucks, but do you risk not taking a chance and getting accepted and living with regret?
BEING LIKE MY PARENTS
Any time I have a decision I ask myself “What would my mother do?” Then I do the complete opposite. Jacked up, huh? Yeah, well if you believe that mother knows best BS. I’m sure many are thinking I resent and hate my parents, not at all. Granted we have not always seen eye to eye, but who does? Here’s the truth. Say you’re out of town and you begin following this car in front of you. When you see the car constantly turning the wrong way on a one way street, you eventually quit following them, right?
We try to learn from other people’s mistakes. I have been on guard with this since the age of 13. I remember wearing shorts until November, for someone failed to look ahead, as a result my children have tons of clothing. My parents have, in my eyes, taken the oath of marriage a little lightly (I don’t think it was their intent), so I am guarded with that. I want the next man I marry to be the ONE, for life, who loves me for me, and despite my flaws finds me amazing, who thinks my ideas are funny but viable, and that we’re each other’s best friend, and would be perfectly happy on the couch with me any night, or just anywhere as long as we’re together.
My parents have worked their asses off through the years, however in some areas they lost focus. Love. Looking back at regrets. The future. Love my mother dearly, however you can see in her eyes the regret and hurt she has suffered through the years - for that I am stronger, not for me, but for her. That’s what makes our relationship unique - I can give her shit, but don’t you dare, you will catch the wrath. She wants things to change in life, but instead of focusing, she settles. My dad, his face is always weary, for he works to much and seldom stops and smells the roses. To bring him to reality, I find myself sending him the crazy ass jokes my friends send me daily. He laughs and reminds me I shouldn’t be 30, and that I’m still 4 in his eyes. With that I realize my dad regrets missing out on so much of my childhood, and for that I love him more than he knows - and remind him that he has my future, and his grandkids that he can watch as they grow.
Those regrets and the deep things I see in their face, is something I will do anything in my power to make sure my children never see that in me. It’s just not a way to go through life, they deserve better and to be happy - actually we all do.
DEATH/UNKNOWN
This will be quick for if my mind gets really into it, I will need a brown paper bag. The unknown? Pick something? Death - dear heavens this one sends me spinning and the two people that can calm me down aren’t here. Will I get a job teaching so my student loans actually have value? This day and age I worry about my children and if they if they will be happy later in life. Just not knowing things that are not within my control trip me out.
My Benefits of Fear
Now how do I feel my fears have benefited me? Here are some key instances in my life I see how I tried to use my fear as a benefit.
By having a fear of change, and the unknown, I have remained in the comfort zone. Instead of going to Old Dominion University upon graduating, I took the scholarship money and went to Morehead State. Why? Wasn’t the money, it was because familiar faces would be on the journey with me. See - a drastic change without any of the familiar that was in my world. People thought I was crazy to want to go out of state, so I let others influence and dictate my decision. Which I went along with and agreed, therefore I accepted the monies and went on to MSU...oddly enough after a year I transfered. Why? I wasn’t happy.
By having a fear of marriage, I have avoided divorce. I have badmouthed the sacred union of marriage for years, and guess what? It’s a sham! Ha. There I said it. I would love to be married. To be with a man who will love me, flaws and all and someone who will grow old with me? Seriously - that's fabulous. Who wants to be alone? I want to raise my children with my husband, go places with my husband, and funny I cannot wait until the day until I can introduce my future husband to people as "husband". Lame? It's the truth. Yes, I would love to have a TIffany Box with a ring in it, or an Asscher cut ring, but you know what - I could give a rats ass, I guess I want those things because as a “female” I am supposed to AND by wanting something so costly I’ve avoided it. Interesting twist, huh? The ring is nice and all but it’s more than that - even this hard ass is a sucker. I am not a jewelry person, it’s more of the thought; think Ring Pop.
By having my shitty attitude on marriage, it also hardened the person that I wanted to marry, Josh. I can hear him telling me, "Destiny, until your attitude changes why would I ask you to marry me?" You know what - he was right. If you keep badmouthing something over and over, then how could he have seen that I really wanted to be married? Good wall building Sawyers, good job. SMH.
By having a fear of rejection, I have avoided humiliation. I have avoided heartache (and not). I have avoided confrontation. I have avoided disappointment. I have avoided being denied. The benefit to keeping the fear of rejection in my life, is it has created a false sense of self worth and stability. Why do something if you know you will rejected? Well, you never know until you try - that’s why. You will never know “what could have been” if you don’t put yourself out there.
By having the fear of being like my parents, I have avoided several things, including divorce. My children have been lucky thus far to have a 2 parent household, a closet full of clothing, and someone who is looking ahead to their future, instead of being selfish and just thinking about their own. However some of their values have been well, I am a firm believer in discipline, yet softness; traditions for Christmas, hard work, and being a kid with the kids.
By having the fear of death/unknown - well let’s be honest, there isn’t a benefit. I’ve just played out different unnecessary scenarios that are useless. Worry over things that I can’t control, yep useless, but as humans, it happens. I think I keep the death fear around in hopes of deepening my religious belief, but really?
RESOLVE
Fears are something one cannot dismiss easily, my fears are deeply embedded and have been with me for years, so to say I’m over something would be a lie. Day by day, and coping, making changes, can help diminish the fears that I have.
Fear of
...change
...marriage
...rejection
...being like my parents
...the unknown
To resolve change, it will be a gradual process for so much of change is seeing things for the positive, not the negative. Maybe instead of “if it’s not broke, don’t fix it” make it better, or if it’s broken, make sure you fix it the correct way to where it doesn’t break again. That’s change, for instead of a temporary fix, do it correctly - think long term. Ask the hard questions and be realistic...if I do this, this will result in? If I don’t do this, this will happen? If I do this, she will get mad? If I do this, he will be mad? That’s all change, it’s a chain reaction, and at the same time by doing so this will allow me to follow the saying “the only thing constant in life is change”. Change the real way to think, change to be the real person that you want to be, and really think about the changes being made - for what will the result in? It will be something positive and never ever think that people cannot change, they do...
Marriage. Quite frankly, I was over my fear of marriage, almost. Not too long ago, I asked someone to marry me. We talked about leaving on a cruise, getting married, coming back and surprising everyone...yeah well what I would have loved to have happen in February, isn’t happening - things change. However, my heart and I will be ready one day. Accepting that my failure and my parents failures in marriage, and actually society’s lovely divorce statistics don’t phase me. Why? For maybe now at 30, I get it. I’ve seen all the ways I’ve fucked up love and how I’ve been my own worst enemy, and by knowing this maybe God will bless me with a shot at love and marriage. Paying attention and not being selfish is how to be the best partner and lover, and if I need a swift kick in the ass to remind myself of this, so be it. I refuse to be part of a statistic.
There is really no way to get over rejection. Maybe it is to continue to avoid “going for it” or better yet, calling something off first so I’m not the one to get rejected first. How screwed up is that? It’s mind games, and the more I think about it, I’m not risking anything, therefore I’m not going to gain anything. HELLO! The things with the highest risk, are also the ones with the highest reward. This isn’t something of just monetary value, but anything. Want to be in Marketing but your parents want you to be a lawyer? Do what makes you happy - they will eventually accept your decision. Asking for forgiveness? You may not get the answer you want, or peace you want, but here’s the deal - you tried. That’s the way to look at rejection...you tried. You went for it. No one can say they gave it their all if you really didn’t try. Some things in life we half ass hoping to get by, but that’s not good enough. If I want 100%, then I should give 100% - that’s trying and that’s fair.
Now no one likes to have people say, “You’re just like your mother.” Ha, or at least I don’t...well didn’t. As I’ve thought about this there are some attributes I love and wouldn’t change at all about my parents. They’re kind, caring, they are there in a pinch, genuine, and dear heavens, my dad is brutally honest. Pick the positive and make note of what not to be. Everyone in our lives have things we love about them, otherwise we wouldn’t have them in our lives, right? Focus on those things that are admired and pass on the good qualities. Instead of being mindful of the negative they have and focusing on what not to be, focus on their positive traits what you could be if you paid those same things forward.
Ah, the hardest one - the unknown. Keeping it real, there will be no way anytime soon this fear will go away in my life - that’s just me. Death will continue to freak me out, and wondering about things day to day that are beyond my control will still bother me. However, to help resolve this major instability in my life is God. I can look back on my life and see that when I was truly at peace with things, I let go and let God. Cliche, maybe. There is truth in that and I’ve witnessed the truth and blessings in my life, and although I am not the overly religious type, I am a believer. Finding myself back in church, and quenching my thirst with the word - I know over time will take away so many of the insecurities that I have. Life is so different and simple when focused, so that’s what must be done; I have to focus on getting myself right. For when I am right and honest with the Lord, then I will be right and honest with myself and those around me. Now this is a work in progress, but hey at least it’s in progress.
My fears are real, and I am the only one who can deal with them. By putting them down, they are more realistic and serious than what appears, and it is time to start the long detox of the fears in my life...
